Blog.

Earlier this month I mentioned feeling sad about leaving home after Thanksgiving.

This has happened to me every time I’ve left home (CBUS, baby!) for the last few years since Braden and I have been together. I had been experiencing the post-home-blues for quite some time but didn’t realize what was happening until about a year ago. I noticed a pattern, put the pieces together, and just kind of accepted the fact that the first 2-3 days after visiting home would be hard.

After spending a week in Columbus over the holiday, Braden and I made the 14-hour trek back to Maine the following Monday. I’m sitting in the car, watching Netflix with Wiley and all of a sudden I just started crying. I turned my head toward the window so Braden wouldn’t see – not because I was embarrassed, but because I didn’t know how to explain it. I knew he’d ask what was wrong and I honestly didn’t know.

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Each year, I’m able to learn more and more about the important things. The significance of a 1st down, the fact that pass interference is subjective, and, of course, the true artistry that is a successful tailgate. But I’d say, for the first time since Braden and I have been together, this year has shown me what it truly means to be a great coach.

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I have a massive fear of rejection.

A fear of judgment.

A fear of not being good enough.

A fear of being left behind.

Where does this come from?

It all leads back to wanting to be liked.

Wanting to be accepted by others.

Wanting to be loved and feel like I belong.

I’m not sure what the exact moment was that I decided other people’s opinions of me were so important.

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What’s the impact I desire to make?

I’ve had this question sitting in my planner for months. Something my coach asked me to answer in a past session. It’s such a big question that I’ve been putting it off to write in the “perfect” moment. To make sure I had enough time, I was in the right space – mentally & physically – and that I was feeling inspired.

I’m sure there have been many moments over these past few months where all of those things fell into place, in yet, still nothing was written. I’m putting too much pressure on myself to answer a question that is honestly meant for only me to read (clearly, I have a hard time keeping things to myself).  

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I’m sitting here on a plane to Denver, getting ready to celebrate two wonderful people say, “I do,” and I noticed a word document titled, “Critter Brain” saved on my desktop. I opened it to see the below blog post I wrote in the beginning of June reflecting on the month of May. The Funny thing is, as I read this, I realized my own words were exactly what I needed to hear. So, although it’s a few weeks late, I’m hoping this post inspires you at the level it (re)inspired me. Enjoy, friends.

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