I have a massive fear of rejection.
I have a massive fear of rejection.
A fear of judgment.
A fear of not being good enough.
A fear of being left behind.
Where does this come from?
It all leads back to wanting to be liked.
Wanting to be accepted by others.
Wanting to be loved and feel like I belong.
I’m not sure what the exact moment was that I decided other people’s opinions of me were so important.
And it’s funny because, at the same time, I kind of have this “F the man” mentality. So, it’s very interesting to me that I get so anxious at the simplest of human interactions.
Saying, “hi” to a neighbor in my apartment building.
Asking a local business owner if I can leave my information for the community.
Introducing myself to a crowd full of strangers at a retreat or workshop.
Sometimes even trying to get the words out to the people I’m closest to in the world is hard for me.
I always go over what I’m going to say before I say it aloud. I’m fascinated by people who just speak without consequence; I admire that so much.
My mind doesn’t operate like that. I’m the person who sits in line at the coffee shop and goes over my order ten times in my head, so I say it out loud without a hitch (although, usually, this backfires because it just heightens my anxiety by focusing on it more).
But what is my fear exactly? What’s the root?
Well, I’m afraid that I’ll stumble my words, say something dumb, get really nervous (and show it), resulting in a grand feeling of embarrassment. And thus, I’ve ruined any sort of relationship I have with said person who I may or may not have ever seen again in the first place (because, obviously, they’re judging me).
Quite the pressure I’m putting on myself for a small chai latte.
I’ve felt for so long that this was just something that went on in my head. That no one else had a problem with this. That this fear was so stupid. Now, I’ve learned that it’s part of being an introvert.
And what’s worse is that I’m an introvert who is on the edge of being an extrovert. So, not only do I fear these interactions, and I fear speaking in public places, and I fear these introductions, but I also WANT them so badly.
I love meeting new people, talking to them, and hearing their stories. Being around other people energizes me; it fills me up and boosts my creativity. I’ve always enjoyed being part of a team and oddly enough, I also enjoy my fair share of attention (given the atmosphere).
So, it’s like my head is telling me, “don’t talk. Don’t stand out,” and my heart is screaming, “LET’S GO, WOMAN.”
Rejection.
Perfectionism.
People-Pleasing.
Overwhelm.
These are all a part of me.
These all link back to safety, love, and belonging. Three things that as human beings we all desire and will do anything for.
One of the paradigms that I use with my clients is, “every behavior and experience has a positive intention.”
Every behavior and experience has a POSITIVE intention.
You back out on your once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to meet your idol? Your intention is to keep you safe from making a fool of yourself; from stumbling your words; from being rejected.
Reach for the pint of mint chocolate chip instead of sitting with your feelings of stress, anxiety, and depression? Your intention is to feel happy, relaxed, and at peace.
Letting someone else speak for you at work and take the credit? Your intention is to be accepted and liked, so you let others take the spotlight.
Our intentions are always positive. We want to either feel something different than we’re currently experiencing or avoid feeling what we fear is yet to come. We want to keep ourselves safe from what hurts us and constantly be wrapped in love and a sense of acceptance and belonging.
So, take a moment here to thank yourself.
I’m being serious.
Think of something you do that you think is “bad.” Maybe a habit or behavior. What is it specifically?
Are you a smoker? Do you push people away who just want to love you? Do you constantly hit the snooze button? Are you staying in a job you hate? Are micromanaging your food & exercise?
What is it that you do that you judge yourself for or are ashamed of?
Now, instead of judging, can you thank yourself here? Can you find the positive intention of this behavior?
What does smoking do for you?
What does being closed off from love do for you?
What does hitting the snooze button do for you?
What does staying in that dreadful job do for you?
What do tracking, counting, and negative self-talk do for you?
Pause here.
Close your eyes.
Take a deep breath.
What’s the positive intention?
I bet it has something to do with safety, love, and belonging. And how BEAUTIFUL that this part of you wants to keep you safe, and wants you to be loved, and wants you to belong.
Thank yourself for this.
Every experience and behavior has a positive intention; it’s the methodology (the action/behavior) we take that needs a little upgrade; we’ve simply outgrown it, and that’s okay.
I’ve spoken about ‘critter brain’ before. But as a refresh, it’s basically the part of our brain that freaks out the instant we want to do something different. Something that would help us grow and reach our dreams and desires. ‘Critter brain’s’ job is to keep us safe. So, when something unfamiliar presents itself (like going out of your comfort zone), it says, “WOAH, PUMP THE BRAKES! We’ve never done this before. I want to make sure you’re safe; that you can survive this, but I’m not sure because it’s different.”
We freak out before we up-level.
My ‘critter brain’ tells me to not speak up, to not put myself out there, to not meet new people; to not share certain things on social media, and to not take the risk.
Unfortunately, for ‘critter brain,’ I chose one of the riskiest lives I could – being an entrepreneur.
Telling your ‘critter brain’ to calm down is something you get better at with practice. Just like a muscle, it gets stronger every time you exercise it. Also, like a muscle, it needs rest; it needs to take things slow. If overnight, I decided I was going to introduce myself to every small business in my town, join several networking groups, book a bunch of talks, etc. I would be INSANELY OVERWHELMED. And I’d probably hate it.
Small hinges swing big doors, my friends.
It’s the 1% improvement over time that makes the biggest impact.
So, what do I do?
I first identify this part of me that fears rejection. I identify this part of me that just wants to be liked. Because when I’m liked, I’m part of the group. When I’m liked, I’m not alone. When I’m liked, I belong; I am safe, and I am loved.
Second, I remind myself that I am not here for everyone. That it is literally impossible for everyone to like me. I also remind myself that I don’t like everyone, so how can I expect the opposite for me? I remind myself of what’s actually true.
Third, I ask myself what’s the worst thing that could happen to me if I did this (insert scary behavior)? And also, what’s the best thing that could happen? 100% of the time (in my experience), the worst thing is a figment of my wild imagination, and the best thing very much outweighs the worst.
Fourth, I ask myself, “what do I need to let go of here?” “What belief am I holding onto that’s not serving me?” Knowing, that at some point, this belief kept me safe and I’ve just outgrown it. For me, it’s the belief that I need to dim my light so other people feel comfortable.
And lastly, I thank my intention for doing its job; for keeping me safe, and I ask myself, “what is the new belief I want to operate from?” I give myself permission to do so, knowing that if at any time I want to go back to the old belief & behavior, I can.
“I believe that other people want to meet me, that other people want to hear my story, and that I’ll attract the people who are meant to be a part of my tribe.”
Some of you reading this might think it’s a little ‘woo-woo.’ This kind of ‘belief work’ is what I do with my clients to help them breakthrough limiting beliefs and stories that are holding them back from being the person, doing the things, and having the life they want to live.
It’s so powerful because our beliefs are so powerful. Our beliefs determine how we operate in the world.
Our thoughts create our feelings; our feelings create our beliefs; our beliefs create our experiences, and our experiences confirm our beliefs.
That’s a fancy way of saying what we believe to be true determines our reality.
If I believe no one wants to meet me, I can’t speak up without stumbling my words and making a fool of myself, and I don’t have anything interesting to say, then I’ll show up really scared and closed off in the world.
VS.
If I believe I will find my people, and what I have to say is interesting and important, then I’ll walk taller, have more confidence, put myself out there more, and be a hell of a lot happier.
Make sense?
Our brain is wild. I’ll spare you from any extra nerding out, but if you’ve made it this far, I hope you found this useful; I hope you were able to connect with this in some way; I hope you’re inspired to share more compassion with yourself; and I hope you know that you’re never alone.
Because at the end of the day, everything you do is just a quest to love, safety, and belonging, and that is a natural, normal, and perfectly beautiful human experience.
P.S. I’m back from my brief writing hiatus and couldn’t be happier :)
P.P.S. I’d love to hear from you and what (if anything) resonated with you most in this post. Email me at kathleen@kathleenlayer.com.
Have a glorious day, friends.
xoxo,
Kathleen